Jo Grant in Bondage
(Extended dance mix)

The call comes in at a quarter to ten
He's sayin' "I can't believe it's pledge week again.
"That means another month of no Doctor Who,
"And that's the very reason that I'm callin' you
"'Cause I know you've got ev'ry single episode on tape;
"Dammit, it's the holidays, I need my escape."

Well what do you say to a fan in distress
Except "Come on over, you don't have to confess.
"It's true I've got what you want on vid;
"Borrow what you like."  You know that's what he did.
But he's got a guilty secret that he's hiding from me;
He'll never admit that he only wants to see:

Jo Grant in bondage;
He just can't wait for the villain to show up and get
Jo Grant in bondage;
He's hittin' fast forward and then slow mo, becoming
All too familiar
With her lines and her screams and her trips and her falls.

She hasn't got a boyfriend and she hasn't got a clue,
But watchin' her on t.v. is gonna have to do.

[Spoken]So this friend of mine - whom, for the sake of anonymity, I shall refer to as [X=host of filk or person who requested this song] - comes over, takes the first tape off the top of the stack and slam-dunks it into the machine.  That's the toaster, X.  While I'm digging the tape out of the toaster, he takes the second tape off the top of the stack and gently slides it into the VCR.

Scene One: Establishing shot: Jo Grant, dressed in a diaphanous micro-mini-skirt, is being pursued across a chalk pit in Surrey by a man in an ill-fitting rubber suit.  (Wait – did somebody switch over to the Playboy Channel?)

[Sing] And the monster's singin' go!
Go, baby, go go go!
Go, baby, go, uh-huh.

[Spoken]Putting on a burst of speed, Jo Grant runs smack into the matte painting and knocks herself out cold.

Meanwhile, back in the TARDIS, the Doctor is peeling himself up off the floor, looking like he's been on about a three-week bender.  He staggers over to the TARDIS console, looks straight into the camera, and he says:

[sing]I woke up this mornin'.
I looked in the mirror.
I didn't recognize that face from anywhere.
I've got the blues;
I've got a brand new nose, and my feet don't fit my shoes.
I've got to lose, lose, lose, lose, lose
Regeneration Blues.

[Spoken]Meanwhile, back at UNIT headquarters - The man in the ill-fitting rubber monster suit is now chasing Sarah Jane Smith.  Around a table.  Around and around a table.  Door's over there, girlfriend!

[Sing]And the monster's singin' go!
Go, baby, go!
Go, baby, go go go!
Go, Sarah, go!
Go!  Go, baby, go!
Why do you run away from me?
This rubber suit is chafin' me!
Go, baby, go go baby, uh-huh.

[Spoken]About this time the Doctor stumbles in, looking like he's been on about a three-week bender - not because he regenerated; because he just got back from his tour of America.   The Doctor staggers in on what could be a highly enlightening scene - involving Sarah Jane Smith, the man in the ill-fitting rubber monster suit, duct tape, whipped cream, and Jelly Babies.

Well, the Doctor looks at Sarah, and he looks at the man in the ill-fitting rubber monster suit;
And he looks at the man in the ill-fitting rubber monster suit,
And he looks at Sarah Jane Smith;
And the man in the ill-fitting rubber monster suit looks at Sarah and Sarah looks at the Doctor and the Doctor looks at Sarah and he says:
Well.....

[sing]I'm not one to preach and I'm not one to judge,
I'm not one to wink and I'm not one to nudge.
If you're two consenting adults you can do it;
But that doesn't mean I've got to sit and listen to it.
If you've got to tell one person at least
Then walk down to the church and talk to your priest about:

Jo Grant in bondage;
He just can't wait for the villain to show up and get
Jo Grant in bondage;
He's hangin’ on pause till the circuitry blows, becoming
All too familiar
With her lines and her screams and her trips and her falls.
She hasn't got a boyfriend and she hasn't got a clue,
Watching her on t.v. is gonna have to do,
He’s hanging’ on pause till the circuitry blows,
Hittin’ fast forward and then slow mo-o-o-o!

[chorus out](Hasn't got a boyfriend and she hasn't got a clue,
Watching her on t.v. is gonna have to do.) {repeat}
                                  
[Spoken]Hey, I watch it for the special effects!